Chapter 5: I am freedom…

I sat in person with Todd for the first time, where he asked me to write down the 10 things I wanted most in life. Being true to my non linear way of thinking, I created a mind map around the one thing I wanted most in life

To feel free.

To me this meant, free financially, free to choose, free to move. To feel unconfined, that I had choice.

Of course, this wasn’t enough, Todd insisted I complete the list

Here is my list…

True Self

In complete silence Todd reviewed my list, after which he said one thing

“Sarah… you ARE freedom”. 

This statement… indicative of the power my addiction, the power the stories it told had over me. My addiction convinced me I was trapped, and that purging was my ticket to freedom. My addiction made me feel that I was losing connection, that I didn’t have choice, that I was confined and trapped. My addiction numbed my emotions.

Everything I had listed, I had or was… I AM happy, I AM connected, I AM secure. It was the power of my addiction to purging, to the ritual of of pain that convince me otherwise. Recognizing and acknowledging the LIES my addiction fed me, allowed me to see the TRUTH.

Todd made me repeat out loud each statement “I am Freedom”,  and with each echo of the statement I held back tears… I said them, but I was not at a point where I believed them. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel free.

Identifying the excuses and the lies my addiction fed me to create build a false reality showed me that I was not following my own belief system, I was not living as an authentic, true version of myself.

I realized that I had not been living for me. I had been making decisions based on preconceived expectations – based on what I THOUGHT people wanted and expected me to do. A personally manifested story of non existent expectations.

It is important to know that this took time. Shifting my thinking was challenging and took (still takes) intentional effort and consistent reflection. I never realized the power of the story I was telling my self, and how quick and easy it had become to make excuses, to justify my story, to perpetuate the dysfunction.  

In order to really move forward with my feeling I had to be aware of every decision I was making, reflecting on why I was making it. Those moments when I felt trapped, when I felt I couldn’t breathe I had to remind myself that I am loved, that I am free, that I am NOT my body…that story that was being told was my addiction feeding my lies to fuel my ritual.

I have come to learn through my journey that I have a choice. I have a choice to be happy. I am the writer of my own life story, I can either let my addiction feed my lies, or I can see the truth.

I am freedom.

I am choosing to live with truth. I am not longer going to choose pain, but instead choose to love and nurture myself.

What are the 10 things you want most in life…

 

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About sedalzell

Educator & Explorer
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