Chapter 8: “I Love myself…”

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For the last few weeks I have felt stuck. I’d go through periods of emotions that felt like utter darkness, I called it “the suck”. I reflected and conversed with friends trying to release the pressure that was building up. But that feeling, that weight on my chest, wouldn’t go away – I couldn’t breathe right, my heart was always racing.

I was stuck in the suck.

Before walking into my session with Todd, I sat in my car and in a note book I wrote down “my secrets”. I wrote down all thing things I had opted to exclude from our conversations, things I kept hidden. Todd had asked me to do this in my last session, and I found it really helpful. The process helps me release and gain clarity, it can be very therapeutic and freeing in itself.

One by one, I read these secrets out loud to Todd and we discussed. No, revealing secrets isn’t easy, but it is worth the discomfort. I am fortunate that I have been able to establish incredible trust with Todd.

One secret in particular scared me. Bulimia is an addiction, but my root addiction is to the pain and associated emotions. By not purging, my addiction has sought other avenues of pain, but through my journey, my addictive voice has lost power. As a last resort, my addictive voice tried to convince to pursue another, very serious form of self harm, This secret embarrassed me, but to Todd, it revealed that my addiction had run out of alternative forms of pain to use as a way to control me…

Todd said to me…

Sarah, how do I know….how did you know that you wouldn’t do what your addictive voice wanted you to do? 

Finally after some surface responses…I sat in silence struggling to say the words… mustering the courage to answer. Tears streamed down my face and I shook my head, when finally, for the first time through this process I uttered the words…

“I love myself too much…”

Those words “I love myself” were the words my addiction feared the most, the 3 words my addiction has NOT wanted me to say. This was the moment I have been waiting and wanting to find… The moment when I could sincerely speak the words… “I love myself”

For the past year, I have struggled to say those words, struggled to believe those words.

This isn’t the end,  but with a sigh of relief I continue my journey forward.

I love myself enough, to no longer choose pain

 Love yourself.  Be kind to yourself.

 

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About sedalzell

Educator & Explorer
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