And although I try hard not to be driven by numbers anymore
75 is representative of much more than a quantity, it is representative of change. It is 75 days of choosing self love, choosing life, choosing happy.
5 months ago, after 74 days self love, 74 days pushing past my my bulimic habit, I allowed stress to trigger me into a summer of ups and downs.
This summer I took full advantage of rediscovering my love of life and embracing this amazing opportunity to learn about myself. But, the truth and reality is, I existed every day in constant battle with my habit , a battle of will. Although I hate to admit it, on more than one occasion, I allowed my habit to win. I had moments where I solely existed in the depths of hopelessness, certain my fate was sealed.
I don’t know what the switch was, but September 3rd and made a conscious decision to end it. I stepped fully into commitment, something I don’t feel I had really done. I said I wanted to get better, but my until my whole being, my whole soul believed change was possible, the power of my habit would always win.
Finally, I gave myself permission to unleash the strength within…
I have given myself permission to feel, honouring and acknowledging emotions.
I have given myself permission to no longer feel ashamed. Mental health struggles are a reality for most people, I am not alone, nor should I feel shame for what I battle with.
I have given myself permission to be human. To embrace that learning and discovery is non linear.
I have given myself permission to put me first. I am no longer dictated by fears of what others may think, but instead strive for balance.
I have given myself permission to ask for help. I have learned that asking for support, and saying “I am not okay right now” is not a sign of weakness, in fact, I now see it as a sign of strength, a willingness to seek support in order to grow that much stronger.
Give yourself permission to heal. The battle with mental health is all encompassing, infiltrating itself into every facet of your being. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, this battle can be utterly exhausting. Show yourself kindness, and give yourself permission to be vulnerable and ask for support.
One day my counter will be irrelevant, I will no longer need the quantify my growth. But for right now, 75 is my lucky number, a number that at times I truly believed I was so far for a reality it felt like an impossible task. I don’t say this to be conceited, but I am proud.
Photo Credit: Chelsey Luren Dixon –