Chapter 21: The end. The Beginning. I am happy.

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The irony.
That it took a period of utter chaos for me to find my balance.
That it took existing in darkness for me to find my own light.

Honestly, this was not a story I ever thought I’d tell.
It was not a reality I ever imagined I would exist in.
Bulimia was a symptom of a deeper rooted sentiment towards myself.

I always believed myself to be a confident individual, and I feel those around me would corroborate that statement.
I have always been quite loud and ‘fearless’.
I bring an aura of life loving adventurer, and strong self esteem, and passion.
But the truth is that beneath that surface I long struggled with self doubt and fear of failure.

Through this period of learning, I have come to understand that for a majority of my life I have linked my self worth to external factors. My state of happiness did not come from within, it was not deep rooted to my core. My happiness was surface level and dependent on the views, judgements, and actions of others.

But Today. I don’t just choose happy, I live happy, and I am happy. I live a sincere happiness rooted in a true understanding of my own self worth. I breathe a sense of relief, realizing I am alive and powerful.

I embraced the learning.
I cried the tears.
I felt the pain.
I put in the work.
I step forward with strength not only in myself, but in numbers, for I am never alone. 

 My soul has been trying to set itself free,  to be release from the hold I allowed preconceived expectations to have on my happiness and my self worth. Finally I have listened. My heart for so long has been wanting me to follow it, to live for me, to live without fear.

Today.
I feel and honour each emotion.
I live with adventure and openness.
I surround myself with people who inspire and support.

Today.
I am free.
I am happy.

To those who may feel lost.
Remember. You are all like the sun, everyday we will rise without fault. There is a bright and powerful light behind overcast you feel. Your energy is felt, you are not alone.
It takes time, commitment, and vulnerability to get to a place where you feel at peace.
I wont lie, sometimes it really sucks.
It can be exhausting.
But with every period of dark I felt, the light behind it, my energy, became that much more profound.  

 

 

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About sedalzell

Educator & Explorer
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