There will be a time when I will no longer keep track.
For now. Each day counts. Each day I learn.
How did I get to this point?
The point where the once knee buckling guilt of a sweet treat is overtaken by sentiments of self worth.
The point where that ‘veil of darkness’ equivalent to the mind controlling powers of super villains is shattered with the commitment of self belief.
The point where the once snowball effect of a rough day melts with the warmth of self love.
This Sh*t takes time.
Recovery for me has come in waves.
Periods of calm energy allowing my body, mind and spirit to heal, and periods of what feels like an uncontrollable and destructive energy breaking away my layers of resilience.
Overtime that resilience can strengthen, learning from the patterns of the waves.
It is true.
I still have had to fend the burdening thoughts body shame.
I still have lived days cherishing the lifeless sensation of starvation.
I still have felt frustrated and misunderstood fearing the entity of food that serves my livelihood.
BUT. My dark days are few and far between. The thoughts of self doubt have become fleeting and weak. Old habits are easily rendered powerless with strategies of self love and support.
This Sh*t takes energy
Yes. It can sometimes suck.
Yes. It can be exhausting.
Emotionally, mentally, physically exhausting.
I practice the art of self reflection. Confronting my emotional turbulence with brutal honesty. I learned to own my actions and reactions, the lies I manifest, the excuses I make. I allow myself time and space to cry, in honour of all my emotions.
I am an active participant, the ultimate creator and decision maker. I am the powerhouse behind my own happiness, the driving force of choice in how I move forward.
I am the initiator of my actions and reactions.
I allow myself to not be okay. In solitude or amongst my trusted I give permission for vulnerability and truth, for conversations, journalling and even tears act as freedom.
I get out. the wilderness is a place of healing. It is where the world slows down, where my breath feels deep and full, where I am free. I heal in the wild.
This Sh*t takes Support
I could not and have not done this alone.
Opening up, removing my mask to reveal the raw pain and emotions that I might be covering with a smile. Bringing down the walls of shame and guilt. Braving the fear of being judged or misunderstood. I have learned that mental health challenges thrive and flourish with isolation. I will no longer give it power because I ashamed or scared. We are stronger together than apart.
To the supporters out there…
You may not understand the mental exhaustion it can take to tame and silence the voices of self doubt.
You may not fully grasp our relationship with food or the distorted view we see in the mirror.
Support is not about understanding.
Support is caring enough to say it is okay to not be okay.
“I don’t understand, but I don’t have to”
P.Grydziuszko. My support.