A lesson given as a teacher became a lesson I needed for myself… vulnerability
My love of transparency has me admitting that just as the number on the scale once defined me, the number of days purge free became my keeper of pride.
In my current state I have found myself unforgiving, and suppression of truth has become a battle tactic against admittance of struggle. For judgement and failure are two words I have chosen to hold on to, two words that strangle the livelihood I have worked hard to regain, two words I am working to let go of.
The truth is that I have worked hard to regain the power I had once given my scale, and the broken number of my ‘freedom stint’ brought shame. Reunited with a familiar hesitancy towards food and a draw toward isolation, came the return of a once identity engrained routine.
Although very short lived, it is hard to again breathe the pain of history you wish you had learned enough from not to repeat.
After a discussion with my students about vulnerability I am reminded that I too must practice this art. I identify learning as a non linear journey, but I admit that in relation to my own recovery I am often ashamed when the trajectory of my journey tends south.
This present state of deja vu has forced me to embrace that the entity of change I so often associate with stress and fragility, is the very entity that gives me strength to step forward. For just as my surroundings succumb daily to the constancy of change, I too have changed.
Here is my truth. Through my lens of hypocrisy I have allowed change and vulnerability to act as seeds of stress and isolation in my life, while encouraging others to embrace these to beautiful entities as opportunities for learning, self reflection and growth.
My figurative fall has allowed me to see with clarity and truth.
I will always have work to do, learning to be had, truths to be told.
As I stand to move forward, I recognize that my practices of yoga and self reflection are not ones that are to be set aside when I feel I am “healed”, for they are what allow me to keep aligned. I recognize that my drive for exploration, life balance, learning, and connection must be what guide my decision making.
The feeling of ‘off centre’ is the universe guiding me back to these practices that I find myself neglecting as a I walk busy through life.
Oh how a discussion can trigger a train of thought you’d been avoiding. I ask my students to be vulnerable and be brave daily.
Today it was my turn.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our
lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky
but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—
the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ― Brené Brown